Respecting Family Boundaries
By Wes Fessler

One important consideration that can have severe consequences to family relationships is respect for boundaries among family members. Whether spoken or assumed, family members grow to know one another and the underlying aspects of respect and trust. In the course of time, it becomes clear what each family member expects as a minimum level of respect to be maintained in family relationships. Eventually each family member learns the boundaries that can and cannot be crossed in maintaining family relationships. Once boundaries of respect have been established, the question becomes one of whether family members will respect one another's boundaries, and more importantly whether they will cross the most serious lines.

The dynamics of family relationships and their boundaries vary greatly from family to family. Expectations of respect and the consequences of violating that respect also vary widely in different families. What could be passed off as an insignificant violation of respect in one family could be taken as unforgivable by another. Boundaries of respect can vary similarly among individual family members. This creates a spectrum of boundaries that each family member must know and understand to maintain harmonious relationships in a family.

The consequences of crossing boundaries in family relationships vary as greatly as the boundaries themselves. While some family relationships will survive even the most serious violations of respect, others may be permanently damaged or even destroyed. Family interactions, levels of respect, and trust are all considerations in maintaining harmonious family relationships. In the process of learning family boundaries, one also develops a general understanding of the consequences for violating those boundaries. In this manner family members gain a sense of what will and will not be tolerated.

Respect and trust are key principles for honoring family boundaries. Although some family members will readily excuse infringements of boundaries and respect, others may perceive them as violations of trust which are not so easily reconciled. It is also important to understand which boundaries are most significant to other family members and may be considered most serious and damaging to one's trust. Learning and respecting the boundaries of family members is conducive to relationships of trust. It is also important to avoid crossing the boundaries that are most damaging to respect and trust in family relationships.

Healthy family relationships depend on the respect of their members. While one may argue that families should always forgive each other simply because they are families, the fact is that in many cases this is not enough. Family relationships are damaged every day because of various violations of trust and respect. Boundaries are very real and personal to family members. When certain lines are crossed, they can be perceived as unpardonable betrayals of trust that can potentially sever even the strongest of family bonds. Crossing the most serious boundaries of family members can turn allies into enemies, and is a reason that family members disown one another permanently.

In order to preserve family relationships, it is imperative to maintain a common notion of kinship and trust that comes from mutual respect. It is not always possible to avoid conflict of boundaries and occasional violations of trust, but it is vital to preserve an overall feeling of love and trust for one another. When boundaries have been crossed and trust has been violated, it is necessary to seek resolution and to show interest in repairing the damage done. Stoic demonstrations of indifference to one another do little to bridge the gap in relationships caused by violations of trust. By violating a family member's boundaries and then presenting a demeanor of coldness about the situation, one reinforces the initial insult as an intentional abuse of respect. It does little good to victimize the victim in maintaining family relationships.

It is important to learn and respect the boundaries of family members and to show interest in restoring trust when boundaries have been crossed. When lines are crossed, whether trivial or severe, it is important to promote a general feeling of love and caring that outweighs the detriment of the violation. While the consequences of crossing boundaries vary in families and individuals, there is always a risk to family relationships when trust and respect are compromised. It is necessary to realize that severe violations of trust and respect can result in permanent abandonment of family relationships when a feeling of caring and trust for one another is not preserved. Respect for boundaries and maintenance of trust are vital components of family relationships.

Copyright Wes Fessler. Family Fun Shop 2007 All Rights Reserved