Do you ever think that your children don’t listen to a word you say? Does it seem like at times you have to repeat yourself 3 or 4 times to get a response from them? Have you ever thought that they might feel the same way about you? Do your children ever tell you that you never listen to them? Listening and communication needs to work from both sides, because communication is a two way street. While you are the parent and expect a certain degree of respect, it is a lot easier to attain that respect when you listen carefully to what your children have to say.

Listen First, then Talk
While it can be frustrating to have to repeat yourself when giving instructions to your children, something to consider before raising your voice at them is whether or not you are giving them your undivided attention when they speak to you. When your children have something to tell you, it is often important to them, and they want to know that you are listening and feel that it is important too. Some of the things that your children tell you may seem trivial, but they can frequently mean much more to them than you may think they do. Although children should always respect their parents and obey their wishes, it is important for them to feel that their voices are heard and valued by their parents.

Value What is Said
It is important to show as much interest in what your children tell you as they have in telling you. It is far too easy to drift into a parent vs. child, rather than a parent with child mindset in parenting. It is never acceptable for a child to be disrespectful to a parent, but it is equally never acceptable for a parent to devalue a child’s words by not listening to them. One of the most powerful tools for parenting is an open and appreciated manner of communication. Children want to believe that their parents will listen to them, no matter what they have to say. Cutting off your children or being distracted and causing them to stop talking to you in the middle of your conversation with them can cause great frustration and disappointment for a child. It is unrealistic to expect your children to listen well to you if you don’t listen well to them.

Take the Initiative in Listening
As a parent you must take the initiative in communicating with your children, and a great place to start is by listening first. It is important to recognize when your distractions, or even worse your impatience with listening to them causes you to either stop listening, or start talking before your children are finished speaking. The first step is to recognize your behavior (which can be difficult when such an unhealthy pattern of listening has been established over time). Make a conscious effort to let your children finish expressing their thoughts before you inject your own, or allow yourself to be distracted.

Un-dividing Your Attention
Be watchful of your children’s facial expressions and body language during conversations. Sometimes their expressions will remind you that your attention is being diverted, or that you are talking over them. Listen to your children when they call out to you in frustration as your attention turns away from them. If your children are having to call out “Mom” or “Dad” several times to reestablish your attention to their words, be mindful of the situation and recognize your error. Turn your attention back to your child with an apology and explanation of why you were distracted. Tell your child sincerely that you will try to pay more attention in the future, and then honestly strive to be a better listener.

One at a Time
Inform your family that when everyone speaks to one another, it should always be one person at a time. Make it clear that you value what they have to tell you, and want to hear every word, but that it is difficult to do so when two or more people are speaking at the same time. Establish a pattern in your family where respect is given to the person speaking sufficient to allow each person to finish a line of thought before another begins. Make certain that the whole family knows that interrupting is disrespectful and not acceptable. Let there be no doubt that when someone has something to say in your family, it will at a minimum, be heard in its entirety with respect.

Be an Example
Before you can expect the undivided attention of your children, you should be willing to offer your own. Just as it is frustrating to a parent to see their children ignoring them, or only responding after several repeated requests, it is also frustrating and disheartening to children to see their parents ignoring what they have to say. Once you know that you have gained control of your own listening skills, you can reasonably expect the same of your children. When they are slow to respond to your calls, or if they ignore you at times, you can remind them of your personal commitment to listen to them, and of your family’s commitment to listen to one another. By being an example of effective listening, your family can feel free to express themselves to you without the fear of being rejected, ignored, or abandoned in conversation due to distractions.

A Welcoming Ear
As you offer them your undivided attention, your children will feel confidence in talking to you about a great many things. Being a good listener is one of the most important aspects of communication and closeness with your children. When they have the confidence to know that what they wish to express to you will be welcomed with sincere interest and attention, they will be much more likely to come to you for simple, friendly conversations, as well as those of consequence. This can establish a pattern for the future, as worries and concerns become more complicated and difficult to talk about for both parents and children. Your children will feel more comfortable in coming to you for guidance at times when they may otherwise wish to speak to others about their feelings, or withdraw from speaking about their issues altogether. A welcoming ear and a tender heart that does not rush to judgment can be a great source of strength and encouragement in a family.

If you want your children to listen to you, it is best to first be certain that you are also listening to them. Learn to be approachable as they come to you wishing to express their minds, however busy you may be. Avoid using a voice of irritation when they come to share what they have learned, what they are proud of, or just what they want you to know. Being a good listener takes practice, patience, and commitment, but these are also the qualities you should hope to receive from your family, as they listen to you. As a parent, seek first to be a good listener and then to help your children to develop the same good listening habits that you have acquired. Make listening an essential goal for your family and you may just discover how wonderful it is to be heard, but even more importantly, what a joy it is to hear what you’ve been missing from your children.

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