Communication is the most important aspect of maintaining a close relationship with a teenager, and yet it seems that the dialogue between parents and teens almost invariably suffers from time to time in ways that make understanding one another difficult, or seemingly impossible. Challenges to effective communication are inevitable as a young one navigates the middle ground between youth and adulthood, but such difficulties do not have to result in disaster.

Teenage years are a time of adjustment and adaptation for teenagers, but also for parents who try to keep up with their growing calls for freedom and responsibility. Accepting this period as a time of regular changes can help parents to communicate more effectively with their teenagers.

Opening a Channel
It is easier to keep talking to teens when a regular pattern of communication has already been established early in childhood. It is very important to open a channel of communication as early as possible with your children. It is best to talk to children and teens at convenient times when they are not busy in other activities that distract them from your attention. While talking with your children should be done as frequently as possible, the time for bonding conversation requires focused attention between you and your teen.

Be consistent in your discussions. Don’t allow days or weeks to pass without sharing meaningful conversations. Always allow your children to express themselves – feeling free to elaborate on joys and sorrows, happy events and sad, as well as likes and dislikes. Keep the channel of discussion open and be willing to share your own experiences.

Listening
Show as much interest in what your children tell you as they have in telling you. As a parent, there will be times when it is important to discover specific facts in conversations with teens, but try to avoid tuning out other important matters that your teenager shares with you. Try to hear what your teen is telling you rather than merely what you hope to hear. Allow your teen to finish sentences without interrupting. Frequently, teens want parents to understand their side of an issue, but cutting them off can make them feel that you are unwilling or unable to understand them.

Be receptive to what your children have to say, even if you disagree with what they are telling you. Show interest in what your teens say, and continue listening to their explanations even if you don’t agree with them. Parents should not tune their children out when they disagree with them. It may be difficult to hear some of their ideas from time to time, but listening carefully without cutting them off can help to make clear why they think as they do. Listening carefully to teens can help them to understand that their parents care about what they think and feel, which can promote greater openness in communication.

Acceptance vs. Judgment
For the most part, teens want their parents to accept them and their endeavors. In younger years, children typically find acceptance and understanding without great difficulty. As the experiences of teenage years unfold, and as teens seek greater independence in the formation of their own identities, parents and teenagers commonly begin to think and communicate along two diverging paths. Methods of conversation about life that were simple in prior years become complex and misunderstood. Teenagers take chances, mistakes are made, and confusion and uncertainty arise.

Learning to Fly
Parents want to prevent their teens from making mistakes, but some mistakes must be made in order to learn and grow. It is natural as a parent to want to shield teens from making mistakes, but when a baby bird has been fed, sheltered, and taught valuable lessons about learning to fly, there comes a time to allow the testing of its wings. A parent’s objectives at this point should be to provide advice and to offer guidance, but ultimately the growing bird will have to experience the challenges of taking to flight alone. As a parent it is important to provide the greatest advice you have to offer to make sure that once your teen “learns to fly” in the real world, the best training in character, example, and attitude have been offered in preparation for the real event. A parent’s role with a teen gradually becomes one of direction more than protection. As teens learn to navigate the power of their maturing wings responsibly, parents can begin to cautiously withdraw their steadying hands (while keeping them always close by and ready to help).

Mistakes
In the process of growing up, teens make mistakes. Teenage years are a time of frequent changes, new experiences, and sometimes, poor decisions. Because mistakes will be made it is important to always keep open communication that is consistent through good and bad times. Parents should avoid the reactive practice of only speaking to their teens when they do something wrong. When parents devote most of their attention to their teens’ mistakes, interactions take on a negative tone, and supportive opportunities are missed. Share positive speech and optimism with teens, as well as corrective and disciplinary moments when they are needed. Allow your teen to share joys with you, not only sorrows and disappointments.

Moving Beyond Mistakes
It is best not to linger excessively on the past. This can be challenging, because some mistakes that teenagers make can appear to be form a pattern. When possible try to address each problem individually, and take appropriate actions to correct each specific problem. Tying your teenager to a list of their prior transgressions can have the effect of labeling and stigmatizing them as categorical troublemakers. Approach each problem with it’s own set of circumstances, and try to provide a realistic and achievable method of resolution and potential redemption. When possible, identify positive solutions that allow your teen to learn, grow, and become a better person.

Rules and Compromises
As a parent it is essential to maintain rules and standards for teens to follow. You will likely find a need to change and adapt rules from time to time as your child matures and is capable of taking on new responsibilities. It is understandable that teens will develop increasing desires for greater freedom and independence as they journey toward adulthood. This is a time when as a parent you will need to consider when you can give your teen some slack in the rope that binds them to you, or to reel the line in a bit. Compromise when it makes sense. These are changing times, and flexibility is necessary and desirable. Allow teens to exercise more control and freedom in their lives as their level of maturity grows. Allow teens to build responsibility like building muscle…give them what they can handle, and prepare them for more.

Saying “No”
Say no when necessary. While it is important to give teens greater freedoms, it is equally important to say no when it matters. There are times when teens believe they are ready for new responsibilities and will plead their case to parents convincingly. As a parent, you are responsible to for the risks and actions that your teen will be faced with. If you believe your teen is not ready for a greater freedom, you must have the courage and fortitude to tell them no. While it is important to tell teens no at times, they will frequently expect more than no as an answer. Don’t be afraid to explain your reasoning, concerns, and how you have come to your conclusion. Avoid leaving your teen to make assumptions about why your answer is no, because as teen it is natural to want to know why a new responsibility is denied.

Teenage years are a time of change and compromise – a time for parents to let go a little at a time, although they may want to hold on forever. Communicating with teenagers is not always easy. It requires a willingness to understand life from a teenager’s perspective, to adapt rules, and to ease up on protections and controls that have been practiced with love for years in the interest of a growing child. It is important to remember, however, that communicating with a teen does not merely mean controlling one. Communication is always a two-way street that requires attentive listening, compassionate understanding, and above all a commitment to love.  

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Sources:

Living with your Teen: Talking with Teens
extension.unh.edu/Family/documents/teentalk.pdf

Jennifer Kerpelman, Communicating With Your Teen, Accessed 10-7-2010http://www.aces.edu/pubs/docs/H/HE-0780/